This concept allowed me to really “own” my experiences. We all suffer, its temporary, and how we choose relate to it changes everything. It gave me an empowering perspective to work with my suffering. There were definitely a few things that I know played a role in this moment of awakening.įirst, studying Buddhism and reading the Dalai Lama’s book “The Art of Happiness” was a defining moment for me. I just wanted it so bad, I’d sacrifice anything, including my pride and my inner victim. I honestly don’t fully understand how I did it. And in that brave act, I sacrificed my inner-victim and give birth to my very own super hero, my “inner ninja”: ninja re-birth. And if I’m doing it to myself, I can stop.” Many times before, I had wished I could stop being such a “fuck up,” but that time was different I wished with every fiber of my being.
I don’t know why, but I am doing this to myself. Then, one day, at the age of 19 and after 4 years of struggle, I looked in the mirror and owned my sadness. And I just couldn’t make sense of the fact that I felt the most powerful when I was the most destructive. Just the same, my entire world was crumbling before my very eyes. I made some amazing friends, got into art, break dancing, and rapping, and had transcendent moments on the dance floor. That night ended in THE most physically painful experiences of my life: dry heaving for 3 hours straight. I once sniffed enough Special K (a horse tranquilizer) to put me in a “K hole” for 12 hours, and literally had to be carried home by 3 friends. I’d take ecstasy and acid at the same time, and then drive places – fast. Then I’d be depressed for days, sometimes weeks. I was chopping up ecstasy, sniffing it up my nose, and going to the Tunnel or Limelight and dancing for hours. I’d get high by myself and then show up to class. I’d throw house parties with tons of kids I didn’t know, and then throw punches, even furniture, at any dude that was disrespectful. I’d mix all kinds of drugs with alcohol, then lose control and start fights, often taking on more than one “enemy” at a time. When I wasn’t angry at my parents, or the world, I was angry at myself. (Alas, we often learn what we truly value only by making real mistakes that hurt.) Going Off the Deep Endīy senior year of high-school, I was on the brink of a major breakdown – constantly.
Your “inner victim” is the arch enemy of your “inner ninja”, your higher self, the part of you that wants to develop your super powers, become the best version of yourself, live your legend and save the world!Īnd while it might seem like these inner forces of good and evil are one hundred percent in opposition, they actually work together to create the tension and drama that give life poignancy, meaning, and direction. The more you think this way, the more you feed your “inner-victim” and the larger and more powerful it becomes. I found the inner strength, partially because of my training in Karate, to claim my inner victim.Įach of us has this “inner victim”, it is deeply related to the shadow Jungian psychologist refer to, and it is the part of you that feels like you are not enough, you don’t belong, that life happens to you and you can’t control it.
High school was both incredibly humbling and completely empowering because I chose to own my mistakes, all of them. At the low points it truly felt like my whole existence was a mistake.
Having quit his drug addiction and subdued his violent impulses through a deep moment of self-reckoning, we find my younger self struggling to put the pieces of his life back together and find meaning out of years suffering and “bad decisions”. Then, in “Part 2: Into the Darkness” our ninja hero was lost in black fog of eternal night, drowning in self-victimization, and struggling to find his path to greatness during high-school. In “Part 1: Embrassing the Impossible” we were introduce to our scrawny, lovable little boy hero who loved movement and hated authority.
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